Help I’m Broken! Where’s My Band Aid?

I’m in creative surgery with myself right now…let me explain;
It’s been a tough week with one thing and another, you know how it is….you are on a high getting things done, enjoying company, organizing stuff, moving furniture, and mountains….y’know, the normal spring day when you feel like you could eat the hind leg off a donkey because it’s spring and you can’t get enough of anything….yeah, that kind of day. Well….
And then you come tumbling down of your mountain high…after you’ve just moved the damn thing, and your all torn up at the bottom, ripped to shreds by the fall and exhausted by the climb.
Also, there’s a boulder on your head the size of Colorado and you have only one finger left and you are pointing it at your nearest loved one because obviously they are the source of all your agony. Right?
You know the kind of day I mean?
It takes a while to manifest this kind of day. Weeks of preparation and a slow erosion of the carefully crafted diet, the creeping sleep deprivation and the feeding of the over-excitement devil with sugar laden commercial chocolate and stupid food like bread….yum.
No! BAD! very bad….oh and the beating…you gotta get a good beating or two….
Sigh.
Back to the painting then. And the walking. And the Primal diet and the early nights, and the expressing your feelings as they come up instead of putting them all into a bottle and chucking them overboard.
I’ll start with the early night I think.
We all got to start somewhere!
a blue hand exuding rays of golden and rainbow light by artist phoebe thomasson

Difficult Things Make Great Stories

I’m not sure what the story is yet. It’s all been somewhat of a blur.

Things have been shifted by my new sense of urgency to do some deep healing work. I’ve been lucky enough to do some EFT (emotional freedom technique) with a friend that took me into some deep past.

I’ve been doing more yin yoga and stretching my body. This helps to bring shit up from the depths of the meridians for assessment and release.

I have been doing some classical yoga techniques, like trying to write my life story and chakra visualisations.

I’ve been doing loads of candid communication with my partner.

This kind of stuff isn’t for the faint hearted.

I was up till past five this morning sorting out the near dissolution of my primary relationship. Finding a way through the morass of created doubt and fear, as I blindly push my way to freedom.

It’s a rocky journey. We all need help and support. Why did it take me so long to ask for it.

I am accepting more than ever about myself…it’s a work in progress; always is.

Is This Perfection?

My life is perfect
in this moment…
Wow!
I really feel that

Appreciation swells,
then the question…
Why?
How can it be?

I don’t mean
that I am perfect!
Oh no!
Ha!

It means more like,
that I am fully engaged
in this awareness
right now…

More like,
that I am here
to appreciate this moment
and all that surrounds me…

The sparkle of light,
that glints
off the metallic disk
on a hanging scarf

The ache of my arm
as I write,
pencil scrawl
racing to the line’s end

The breeze
that undulates the curtain,
as it winds
from open window
filled with sweet spring air

The long awaited
sun filled bird-song,
as nature wakes
from her penumbral slumber

The light dancing
behind my eyes,
as I register
my own experience
of contentment
with what is

This is perfect…

Change
Is
Perfection.

acrylic painting by phoebe thomasson abstract blue brown winter colours

To Do List: Cultivation

Today I need to….

Cultivate Strength, one hour at a time.
Cultivate Bravery, to meet my own weaknesses.
Cultivate Determination to overcome my limitations.
Cultivate Fitness I wish, that I may lift you up.
Cultivate Perspective that this is my journey; destination unknown.
No-one else is on it with me unless I share it.

I hit a bit of a crisis today. Things went pear shaped for a minute, but I remembered that I could choose how things went by my response. I remembered that I have a choice, always. I can respond negatively or creatively.
I chose to allow myself my full gamut of feeling, as insane as it was for a minute, then throttle back and consider what was being said to me. Consider how I could change my perspective and see things in a more hopeful way.
I ended up giving myself the pep talk I was looking for externally. The thing is that it’s never as good from someone else. Our own reassurance or ‘inner sense’ is definitely tailor made for us if we can muster the space to talk intelligently to ourselves.
I also realized that I don’t need to tolerate my acting the fool, inside and out if it’s not productive. I can tell that stupid voice to shut up if I think it is being unreasonable. In short, I can control my own mind, then no-one else need do it for me.

….Cultivate trust in myself.

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Dreaming of Destruction….again!

Just before my last waking this morning, I had a series of dreams. They were very strong in their imaginary.

See what you make of them and I’ll tell you what they mean to me at the end.

Dream#1: Nothing Left to Eat…

We are a small tribe/community living in a glade type valley and we are foraging for food and living our lives.

There are mini dramas going on, just as in any culture but something ominous was looming. It becomes clear that we were running out of food and that before long we would have to find more or we were all going to starve to death.

A group of us took off to search whilst the elders stayed behind and took their chances, unafraid for their survival unlike ourselves. We were hungry!

We came up a leafy hill and everything stopped. The massive strip of ground before us was as bare as could be.

Tilled soil was all that stood there as far as the eye could see up to the brow of the massive hill. My guts went weird as a ferocious sound hit us. Although we knew we should run now, we were transfixed.

Dogs came running over the hill towards us. They didn’t look like the type of dog to be fierce, they were golden retrievers! However their appearance did nothing to allay the reality that they were protecting their site and we were clearly trespassing!

That’s the end as far as I can remember.

Dream#2: Trouble in The Air…

We were driving to my friend’s house up the Weymouth Avenue and just at the top by the traffic lights we spied a sight that we had never seen for real in this area. A twister!

We debated  for a minute how serious it was. It was soon clear that it was very serious indeed and headed right for us.

My first instinct to carry on in the direction I was going, which may have actually taken us beyond the path of the wind tunnels, was immediately over-ridden by a strange mix of ‘I have to get home!’ and deep panic.

Home meant doing a U-turn in the road and I was aware of traffic all around…and home was where it was headed. Where should we turn, and how fast could we run without contributing to the general panic?

Time for the general synopsis…

Dreams are multidimensional and usually contain at least two levels of understanding, one cultural (global) and two, personal.

On a personal level both dreams seem to say to me that I’ve hit my nemesis.

In some sense I am up against the ‘survivalist’ dream. The ability to sustain myself is somehow under threat, either for real or metaphorically.

This could have always been the case, and something I am now discovering (new territory) or something that is coming upon me as new realizations dawn (threatening circumstances). On both counts the message is quite clear.

ACT! Now is not the time for contemplation…for me this is clearly a call to clear and concise decision-making.

Trust your first instinct! If that is to run, just choose the right direction. If that is to stand your ground (more appropriate with dogs than tornadoes!) then do that!

The worst thing I can do now is vacillate in self-doubt! Making the wrong decision is the fear but making no decision is fatal!

Global Interpretation…

(Remember this is my own!) OK. So we are at some ‘event horizon’ and all we see before us is barren land and…the dogs of war? We know not what is beyond the horizon and all we can sense is despair at our uncertain future.

Let me give you the alternative ending…

(Penned in my waking hours!)

A New Perspective

Immediately we all sink to our knees, drop our gaze to the ground and stretch out our arms. The dogs pick up on our non-resistance and almost simultaneously they become our friendly welcoming committee. They run up to us licking our face and wagging their tales.

They communicate that they’ve been waiting for us and protecting the land. They lead us over the bow of the hill where we behold a Golden City before us. We know instantaneously that before us lie the treasure of abundance.

The Golden City is replete with good food, shelter and companionship. We make plans to go and fetch the rest of the tribe to bring them to the city. The city exceeds all our expectations. It’s golden hue is a sign of its enlightened vibration.

Mankind has finally learned to live in harmony with nature. The barren field is merely ready for us to plant the seeds if our choice, and we are welcome into the city as long-lost sisters and brothers. We are home.

Now that’s much better!

a face is obscured by black shards mixed media collage by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

The Silent Killer; Get Down You Inner Censor….

The inner censor is the killer on the loose in our psyches.

How do we know it’s there?… Well we don’t to start with, but if you have tried to be consistently creative and failed to keep up stamina then it might be that, like me you suffer from a strict inner censor.

The censor is very much alive in the outer world at the moment. I won’t go into it because either you know what I’m talking about because you listen to the news and it’s not my focus here.

The inner censor is the real enemy and the outer manifestation is the proof that the energy is alive and kicking in our culture.

Why does the censor do what it does? Why does it kill the creative impulse?

Because it hates imperfection. Because it loathes chaos. Because it detests the uncontrollable.

Any time we have an idea that we just can’t do something about may be a symptom that the censor is in control. The gateway is very narrow if the censor is in command as it is a mean gatekeeper that only allows the acceptable through. It has a long list of what is acceptable, but an even longer one of that which isn’t.

In the creative life we need to channel the crap as well as the good stuff. This is for the creative zone where putting our thoughts on paper is a safety net for our fears. What we do with it afterwards is another matter but unless we can get it through the gates in the first place is a matter of re-education.

We need to gently take the censor to one side and give it a bribe.

If you let more through the gates, I promise, the quality and standard of my work will improve and increase in ways you never thought possible. Do me a favour mate and look the other way when I have a crappy idea. I can’t get to the good stuff hiding underneath unless you let this through.

The censor will probably consider this a feasible option. Just make sure you make it work for its living and don’t let it rule the roost.

You’re in charge!

a blue hand exuding rays of golden and rainbow light by artist phoebe thomasson

Transitions Into Joy

How could I have lived this morning differently?

I could have given Ewan my undivided attention this morning instead of rushing into doing the washing up. I could have sat and centred myself before running headlong into working on anything other than my state of being. I could have left the brown envelope unopened until I had done my morning ritual. I could have let Dru have his morning smoke before I told him the bad news. I could have seen things differently instead of crumpling into helplessness and despair. I could have been patient with myself for feeling upset about it all.

I feel I need to get a morning routine that is more helpful to me. I want to enter the day in a conscious state of peace and joy not barreling around trying to catch up and missing so much.
I don’t want Ewan to feel left out and like he has to protest by weeing on the carpet. I don’t want to be angry with him any more.

Why despite a great night with friends do I feel so negative? It’s almost a default setting and I guess I need to spend plenty of time resetting my habitual mind.

I have a ‘poor me’ nature that is entirely outmoded in this new way of being. I need to get back my natural bliss. It has been hidden for so many years, so I need patience with myself.

Seeing as how I find difficulties where there need be none, it behoves me to pre-plan for these inevitable downers. What do I do when I feel confused, disappointed, dissatisfied or dissociated? What strategies can I put in place to help myself out of the darkness?

Time and again I must remind myself that I AM strong, I AM resilient, I AM tough.

I need to break through this layer of false weakness and find the real substance I know is there. I can bring my vibration to a high place if I practice and practice like I mean it. Remembering to do this must also become second nature.

Raise it up!
Don’t drop it!
We are riding waves
Of vibration
Simply put
It’s the only real issue
That matters!

a complex pattern of black veins and outgrowths on a yellow background

Escape the Rabbit Hole of the Internet

If The Rabbit Hole IS The Internet then Lewis Carol was indeed the Shaman he seems to be judging by his visionary works. I’m of course referring to his masterpiece Alice in Wonderland; and how deep does it go…? Good question, and entirely unanswerable. The internet is something that has never existed in the known history of mankind and i think it’s important to remember this. I’ll tell you why in a bit.

I see the Internet as an external manifestation of the human mind. The real question though is when we realize that we are caught in it…as beautiful as the landscape might be, we do have real lives to attend to.

Lets face it head on. The internet is a drug, like caffeine, like cocaine, like sugar, like lack of sleep. Yep! Getting off it requires the same kind of discipline that any habit takes to kick.

We know when it’s taking over, but we may not have acknowledged this on a conscious level. So, really. Everyday we’ve got to be dead honest with ourselves about how far caught in Wonderland we are, and asking ourselves the question, relentlessly; “Is this serving me NOW!?” and if it’s time to come back TO BE DECISIVE about it and WALK AWAY…NOW!

Practice time!!! See You Later!

😉

a red woman with a buddha belly sits on a chair. mixed media collage by phoebe thomasson

Art Gallery: Pregnant Alice

This was done for my friend Alice when she was pregnant. It wasn’t what she was expecting but I was wild and free in my Picasso phase and in love with mixed media collage and strong primary colours.

There is something really satisfying about sticking fabric onto canvas; it almost feels rebellious, but then that’s me in a nut-shell. Make rules? Break rules. If the artist cannot be free then what hope is there for the common man?

We (artists) should be arbiters of change, risk and the unconventional…

Too many stultifying rules can kill our creative spirit. This is the gift of children, child-rearing and child-bearing; it’s such an onslaught of new paradigms that we either gird our loins and learn afresh who we are and what we are capable of, or we sink miserably into depression….the good news is that even if we do sink in the beginning of any endeavor, we can always access the strength of the mother goddess (or father god) within and pull ourselves up by our boot straps.

Life affirms life, as long as we don’t give in to the ennui of despair. Anyone can feel it, our circumstances matter little. It’s our habitual outlook that must be changed. Little by little, like the growing fetus, we can add new cells every day to our growth into the person we want to be.

Are you growing?

And are you ready to be born yet?

🙂

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I am the Jedi Cleaner

I am all the cleaner for being a Jedi…unless I’m experimenting with dirt…which happens when I don’t shower for a week…mmm…sink washing is so austere…

I learnt to clean like a Jedi by first becoming a cleaner. And at the time I was already doing my training, so they informed one another in a curious way. Cleaning is like dancing, when you do it right. The dance is most exciting when it is effortless. It can be fun and absorbing. Me, the cleaning girl, liked the experience of being efficient anyway and this was instant gratification. Me, the trainee Jedi, was always bunking off (being mindless) but would come out when the drugs were around…ha ha….Jedi’s like to partake in mind altering professions and cleaning turned out to be just that….

I don’t digress…I merely clean.

Phoebe Thomasson

The great thing about Jedi training is that I can clean an oven with no fear…but when my Jedi lights are dim even I can give the greasy box the cold shoulder.

It takes rubber gloves for some. For me it takes Gary Numan and a tight black zippy top made from recycled plastic (you laugh…have you checked your Nike label lately?)

Cleaning and Religion

Cleaning is a curious profession. You get to revel in others’ left-overs….some of which are good, most of it is unhealthy. I came away with so much more than a bad case of ‘addicted to anything I can find’….coats, bikinis, scones and margarine…you know, holiday maker fare. Maaan, some of those places had really been enjoyed.

I must get on with the cleaning. Back Soon.

Find out what happens next…..later….. x