It appears an unfortunate fact that the more I fly free in my ways, and embrace my powers of intellect and conversation, that the effect produced within you is one of insecurity and an appearance of being squashed. Hence the ability to relax and enjoy company whilst feeling thus threatened is marred and overshadowed by ones habitual response in blaming the other for being not desirable In ones behaviour. In you I perceive a disapproval that is brought forth by your struggles to stay connected to a flowing river of words that spew forth from my mouth, which has upon me the effect to feel further in the wrong way of things and defensive of my position as free woman enjoying my respect given freely by friends, but not by you, although you would argue otherwise because though the effects of my [not at you] focus are to feel like a [dis-empowerment], you are at once stuck in your own conundrum whether and how to extract yourself from said feeling of diminished comfort and confidence into a blame that would be inappropriate given the very nature of blame which is to shut down the other with a label of wrongness attached. I know you do not seek to fetter me but there must be some compensation for you in a night’s accommodation of friends whom you must also enjoy the company of so it comes to that which I can only say that I shamelessly dominated the said conversation [the night] and you being of more altruistic nature let me take centre stage with little regard for your own well-being. In this I can only fault you for your lack of confidence against my domination and say that without your countering me I will most willingly hold court without recourse to your opinion in any matter should you choose to allow me without interruption or battle for place. Or feel confident in my love for you which you plainly do not, in the absence of affection which you cannot.
Or I could just shut the fuck up and listen to YOU!
I’m not sure what the story is yet. It’s all been somewhat of a blur.
Things have been shifted by my new sense of urgency to do some deep healing work. I’ve been lucky enough to do some EFT (emotional freedom technique) with a friend that took me into some deep past.
I’ve been doing more yin yoga and stretching my body. This helps to bring shit up from the depths of the meridians for assessment and release.
I have been doing some classical yoga techniques, like trying to write my life story and chakra visualisations.
I’ve been doing loads of candid communication with my partner.
This kind of stuff isn’t for the faint hearted.
I was up till past five this morning sorting out the near dissolution of my primary relationship. Finding a way through the morass of created doubt and fear, as I blindly push my way to freedom.
It’s a rocky journey. We all need help and support. Why did it take me so long to ask for it.
I am accepting more than ever about myself…it’s a work in progress; always is.
Through dreamy landscapes
And the sky
My spirit revels
In new found freedom
The barbed wire gone
No longer am I snagged
Upon the electric strands
That held me
For so long.
for art shop and gallery.
This was done for my friend Alice when she was pregnant. It wasn’t what she was expecting but I was wild and free in my Picasso phase and in love with mixed media collage and strong primary colours.
There is something really satisfying about sticking fabric onto canvas; it almost feels rebellious, but then that’s me in a nut-shell. Make rules? Break rules. If the artist cannot be free then what hope is there for the common man?
We (artists) should be arbiters of change, risk and the unconventional…
Too many stultifying rules can kill our creative spirit. This is the gift of children, child-rearing and child-bearing; it’s such an onslaught of new paradigms that we either gird our loins and learn afresh who we are and what we are capable of, or we sink miserably into depression….the good news is that even if we do sink in the beginning of any endeavor, we can always access the strength of the mother goddess (or father god) within and pull ourselves up by our boot straps.
Life affirms life, as long as we don’t give in to the ennui of despair. Anyone can feel it, our circumstances matter little. It’s our habitual outlook that must be changed. Little by little, like the growing fetus, we can add new cells every day to our growth into the person we want to be.
Are you growing?
And are you ready to be born yet?
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