Why Euphoria Is The Enemy of Joy

For years I’ve battled with depression. What I never understood and took into account was the other side of the coin. Euphoria.

Euphoria is like a fire dance. It looks good against the darkness but when the fuel runs out then you still have the darkness.

Having never been diagnosed with the label ‘Bi-Polar’ I never considered the intense ‘ups’ of my experience to be anything more than the expression of my natural ebullience for life. These energies would manifest in quite excessive behavior which merely fitted my self-image as a ‘bit of a rebel’.

I could live with that and rather liked the label as it gave me license to do crazy stuff, wear outlandish clothes, smoke and drink myself silly. Nothing wrong with that I thought! No, not much! Apart from the obvious physical damage, there was something else. What I hadn’t taken into account was the other me. The sensitive, shy, thoughtful and serious me that wanted to be taken ‘seriously’ as an artist but never really got a look in because ‘bolshy sista!’ was in command…most of the time.

The other me showed up on the back of the Black Dog (Depression) and came in all tears and insecurity. I hated her! Or at least ‘queen bitch’ hated her and called her horrid names which made her cry even more. I would sit up with insomnia night after night doing yoga, smoking cigarettes, eating or surfing on the internet because I couldn’t get any head peace, such was my torment!

Now I understand why I could never resolve the depression until now. I was attached to the ‘high’ me and that person didn’t know how to stop!

The  tormented ‘come downs’ and psychotic breakthroughs were clearly a result of my reckless drug taking and my relentless pursuit of creative and sexual highs! Ultimately, the ‘high life’ became my undoing.

Emotional Sobriety…

Today I am more sober than ever and happier than I’ve ever known. I’ve had some sense knocked into me at last, but I couldn’t hear the truth of the matter for years as I played the fool to cover over my insecurities. It was a mere front for the longing I really felt to be recognized by others. A simple desire to be loved for who I truly was, even though I couldn’t see her except through the eyes of a few staunch believers.

I am finally relieved of the mantle I set many years back when I looked to role models that were skin deep. I thought I could be a Blondie without knowing anything more than her image. I thought I could be a rebel but found out that I didn’t really have anything to rail against because I was a middle class girl who ostensibly had everything.

Why do it? Because we were too young to know the difference between the lipstick life and the rich bounty of life in the secure lane and we were never taught by security. We were taught rules and what not to do.

I don’t resent my upbringing but it does leave me asking, are kids really getting it any different today? Are they learning about what makes them tick or are they being told what not to do and left high and dry when they step out of line.

Is your rebel really an insecure creative looking to fly her own skies with the bounty of her full gusto?

Namaste

Photo Credit Ritvik

Courtesy of Belovodchenko Anton

New Thoughts: Letting go and changing track

The art of acceptance is getting more, well…acceptable in my camp.  This is sterling news I can tell you. Let me demonstrate how this transformation is manifesting right now; I’m sure you must have had this happen before too.

OK. I spent a bit of precious time today writing out a long comment on a blog and before I posted it in the final adjustments it just disappeared;  I mistakenly clicked a random link somewhere, and lo and behold the work is gone. After all that work I was, well, a little annoyed but the beautiful thing was that I came straight on here and started writing. I’ve decided to use that energy of frustration positively and do something right away. I might even create a page right now, listing all the things I was going to put on the comment. How about that? Why is that amazing?
Well the thing is that I know how I would have reacted a year ago; bellowing and hitting my palms on the desk or some other such over-reaction. It certainly wouldn’t have been that calm!

I am now starting to believe that the changes I’ve made recently, most especially in my diet, are transforming my reactions as well as just my body composition!
This is surprising considering I’ve only been ‘Primal’ for a couple of months now. No, I take it back; this is truly amazing! The scientist in me is doing cartwheels for I can now see solid results with my own eyes on levels beyond the physical. It seems that there is more to the Carbohydrate addiction than meets the eye.
For instance, our little boy is so much calmer without the processed apple syrup covered rice cakes and other ‘treats’ that we used to rely on to ‘calm him down’ or appease him. Now I can see we were unwittingly keeping him on a grain and fructose induced sugar high that was sending his little head spinning and therefore making his behaviour reasonably uncontrollable. We only noticed it when it (his brain) was running out of fuel!! This is a child who has been brought up on practically no sugar (we thought!). God only knows what other kids are like on fizzy drinks and the like! I mean this was a humble rice cake or ten!

Sometime things are not meant to happen in the way we think they should, and that’s the inevitable part of life that the ‘angry’ perfectionist will just not accept.

Now I can see that the fuel I was choosing was not only ‘feeding’ this destructive tendency, but actively joining the dots to make it an explosive outlet for pent up and excessive ‘backlog’ of energy that was not being used constructively.

Now I no longer feel driven or ambitious, but I do feel inspired and productive!

Now I no longer feel I’m fighting my way through treacle town, but I do now feel muscles working in my legs and a fleetness of foot previously unknown.

Now I no longer feel myself fatigued by social encounters, but I do feel energized and excited in a nice way.

Can all this happen because of a change of diet? Well yes. They say you are what you eat. If you eat quick burning fuel (sugar, starch) then you’re going to be what ever you already are, but quicker.  It turns out I was always quick, despite what my art teacher thought!! Bitch!

Ahem. Excuse me…

My point is that I still get angry like normal people do, however, there is a shift in quality. It is now somehow grounded, almost ironic if you know what I mean, and also strangely humorous! In other words, when I catch myself ‘being angry’ I can see my inner Buddha nodding and chuckling. This is such a transformation.

My rage of before used to be searing, dangerous and downright depressing in it’s desire to destroy and inflict pain. I have never felt so relieved to see a part of me transform than this.

So no, sometimes when things go ‘wrong’  we must remember that things are destined to go wrong (for this is Samsara remember!) but let it not be us that is the thing going wrong eh? That isn’t the way it’s supposed to be at all! We are supposed to stand in the field of life with our hair dangling in the wind as we walk between the tracks of wheat we will never eat, simply enjoying the walk and the feel of nature about us.

The art is in letting it go and changing your track…then keep on walking!

Namaste

For more about living a Primal lifestyle and eating a very healthy low carb diet visit this fantastic site…

www.marksdailyapple.com

Photo Courtesy of Belovodchenko Anton

Why the world is full of blithering idiots, and why I’m to blame….

Whoa…

Well you can tell what kind of mood I was in when I devised the title for this post. Well yes, steaming angry with a little bitty sneaky sense of humourous insight…well after a time anyway. Kind of neat, as they say across the pond.

Let me expand if you will.

The world is full of blithering idiots. This indeed is a fact, according to my angry brain when it is incensed at some ‘stupidity’ that has just befallen the household, for example, letting a two-year old carry a huge vase of flowers will result in a puddle on the carpet. As I said, blithering idiot, daddy of said two-year old is the current favorite.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Inflamed righteous anger mind now joins lots of random ‘stupid’ dots and sees that lo and behold, ‘it’ is actually surrounded by blithering idiots, um…most of the time…oh no, in fact it is incorrect. It turns out that actually, the whole, entire world is most definitely without a doubt beyond recognition in fact…. in actual fact totally FULL OF BLITHERING IDIOTS!!!!!

Hm.

Well, yes. I’m partially ashamed to say it, and equally partially relieved to admit that this ‘it’ is indeed, my mind.

Wahoooooo!

Look at me, I’m out of the I’m a hundred per cent positive closet and am now a fully fledged ‘real’ person with negative shit, and shit…..Phew! I thought you might judge me harshly and think ‘Oh My God! What a perfectly awful person, I shall definitely avoid her in the future, she is definitely not on the perfect list, avoid! avoid! I am a Dalek!!!’

Except you’re not a Dalek are you. And, hey I have a negative streak a mile wide that thinks you are a blithering idiot, but really that’s my fault….isn’t it….see?