a man sits by the window with a mask of his face in his hands photo artistry by adam white

Trust

Now I can see, what you mean is so much more to me than a cheap thrill. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you know you’ve fallen into a trap and had to have your friends point out a few things about how you’ve been acting.

Suck it up.
Relax.
They have your best interests at heart.
You just have to believe they love you.

Why Do I Like Apples…so much?

If Apples = Men

I like Apples because:

I seek nourishment; because I am wired to; They help me know myself…They are delicious, food, natures medicine, full of nutrients, sunlight and vital forces…

Because I am Eve.
It is my lot to love an Apple!
Because from the Dawn of Time
I have known Apples to be
the source of my existence
and this is my sin!
My confusion, my knowing
that blocks out the One Central Thing
that makes me cover myself in shame;
The thing is
that I forgot that
The Apple is NOT GOD;
but the fruit of knowing God in man!
But I must learn this lesson well;
for many years, have I been deluded
By God; that Father,
God, that Son,
and I… The Ghost!
the mere ghost…
I set myself to wandering
alone in the desert,
no mortal man to hold me;
Inviolable, untouchable in my torment.

I sought for the apple tree within
and found only you, you and
you, again…
But you are NOT GOD
So how can I be SO mistaken?

So I know GOD through Apples
but do I know, can I know GOD
directly, by my own lights?
Can I come, finally, naked
open handed, surrendered
and say
God, I looked for you everywhere
But I found only Apples!
They are sweet but they are not you,
and I am mere Mortal;
Wounded and seeking
comfort.

This Apple would only feed me
for so long, but I seek
life eternal, life beyond life
I seek your Source now;
only you.
I no longer seek Apples.
They are what they are;
They appear, are eaten
or being eaten by other insects
and I feel abundant.
But there is only one
after all…
The Apple Tree itself belongs to You!

March 28th 2017

I wrote this after a long and painful night letting go my attachment to a friend. I love him dearly but it is not time for us to go beyond the simplicity of friendship. I accept this, though it hurts me greatly. I’m sure the pain is cleansing. Ouch. Healing HURTS!!!

Earlier in the day whilst we were hanging out he looked for a bag of apples and couldn’t find them. Later he told me he had found them after all. I said I wanted his apple! Ha! Anyway, we played with the metaphor of apples representing men… and he asked my why I loved apples so much?

I had to pause and really think about this one, (hence the title) and the depth I found was actually quite religious in it’s tone. Quite. I thought, yes! This love with attachment is what hurts. It would do me well to reconnect with my source energy and stop mooning over him like he would be all the answers to my emptiness. Maybe he would be for a while, but then, when I’ve eaten his flesh and sucked him dry… then what…?

Back to the apple tree…

Live, Work, Play Together: Digging For Diamonds…Minecraft & Love…

“The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet”

Frederick Buechner

The Minecraft Model of Viewing & Navigating Relationships…

A relationship is a BIOME created by two separate yet intertwined BIOMES.

Our own conditions; internal weather (moods), agendas (hopes?), desires and intentions, shape the feeling landscape in which we navigate and perceive our own BIOME.

When two or more BIOMES interact, the dynamics are expanded and more complex and therefor require even more skillful navigation.

The landscape changes as the map expands, and new territory will bring new challenges; fears, excitement, the lure of adventure.

And yet when night falls and we are surrounded by zombies, we ether must fight them or return to home base and sleep.

But what if we have no bed, or can’t find it?

RUN or FIGHT…?

Hide or ?…

In the heat of battle we are only as good as our last blow…

…and what if we die?

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Parallel Worlds?

Isn’t this a bit how we see our relationships at times? When in crisis we feel like we are literally fighting monsters. How do we make the landscape safe? We can’t.

The best we can do is to keep on with the awareness that we are dealing with a different landscape, in the other person.

There will be differing climate conditions for them, and it’s worth remembering always that they are fighting their own battles and mining for their own diamonds.

We are not the ‘same’ but we are in the same ‘game’.

Essentially we all want the same thing though we will get it in different ways.

Minecraft_Wallpaper_03.jpg

What makes sense is to remember the differences in context with the similarities. What does this look like in practice? Holding two different control sticks?

Life is like a handset; how skillfully we use the controller will define how well the game goes for us.

When we are learning how to navigate relationships, we must remember that we may be a bit cack-handed at first, and to forgive ourselves and others for our lack of skill.

A good game player will forgive you your inconsistencies, if you remember the game is the game and to keep on smiling and having fun.

Admittedly, it may be traumatic to lose all your stuff every time you die, but really, those little deaths are really no big deal.

Little deaths are about letting go. Letting go of being ‘right’, just for the moment. Letting go of the moral high ground, just for the moment (or forever!).

So your ego is a bit battered right now… So what? that’s just dents in your armour!

Get back in the game with good humour as soon as possible and keep on learning those skills like non-violent communication, reflective listening, meditation, nutrition… you have to think of everything to be a good citizen of Minecraft and, of the world!

minecraft_wallpaper_01

For more parallels between Minecraft and ‘life’ check this out!

Minecraft versus String Theory

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Thanks to freelargeimages.com

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I wish to empower young people with the tools and understanding needed to navigate personal relationships and enable joyful lives.

For my art please visit

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a woman sits surrounded by words with buddha next to her

Word Soup

It appears an unfortunate fact that the more I fly free in my ways, and embrace my powers of intellect and conversation, that the effect produced within you is one of insecurity and an appearance of being squashed. Hence the ability to relax and enjoy company whilst feeling thus threatened is marred and overshadowed by ones habitual response in blaming the other for being not desirable In ones behaviour. In you I perceive a disapproval that is brought forth by your struggles to stay connected to a flowing river of words that spew forth from my mouth, which has upon me the effect to feel further in the wrong way of things and defensive of my position as free woman enjoying my respect given freely by friends, but not by you, although you would argue otherwise because though the effects of my [not at you] focus are to feel like a [dis-empowerment], you are at once stuck in your own conundrum whether and how to extract yourself from said feeling of diminished comfort and confidence into a blame that would be inappropriate given the very nature of blame which is to shut down the other with a label of wrongness attached. I know you do not seek to fetter me but there must be some compensation for you in a night’s accommodation of friends whom you must also enjoy the company of so it comes to that which I can only say that I shamelessly dominated the said conversation [the night] and you being of more altruistic nature let me take centre stage with little regard for your own well-being. In this I can only fault you for your lack of confidence against my domination and say that without your countering me I will most willingly hold court without recourse to your opinion in any matter should you choose to allow me without interruption or battle for place. Or feel confident in my love for you which you plainly do not, in the absence of affection which you cannot.

Or I could just shut the fuck up and listen to YOU!

photo of a nude woman with wings by a rock photo art by adam white model phoebe thomasson

The Shame & Redemption Barrier; Post Meltdown Review & Self Analysis, or “I am OK with being vulnerable”

I feel like I’ve been a caged animal, hemmed in by too much love and mismatched desire.

I have fully understood for the need to create sufficient space for myself to digest and percolate on the issues of the day.

I had gone from nothing to everything in a very short space of time.

  • Why am I so impatient?
  • I must work on being more patient!
  • Affirmation: I am infinite patience!
  • Patience creates space
  • Space is desirable

It helps when I feel that things are not drastic.

During drastic periods I get very paranoid and urgent.

I want to offload and dump information at other’s feet. I do it in such a way they have little choice but to come along for the ride.

  • I think I am an energy bully.
  • I am a recovering bully.
  • I forgive the bullies!

I was bullied at school and it is time to do some cleansing work on the earlier periods of my life.

It is time for me to reconnect with my innocence again.

This is shrouded from view at the most stressful moments and that shield prevents positive movement.

a man sits by the window with a mask of his face in his hands photo artistry by adam white
Letting go of the old face to reveal a new found peace

The moment I am able to let down my shields, more and more quickly I see the swift return of my soft vulnerable side.

By now I have been through enough (don’t stop till you get enough!!) and am more resillient to shame than ever before and this is a really good thing!

Next Week:

I know I am avoiding hard work. Why is this?

Find out in the next instalment whether I pull off my next project with ease or not at all!