Why Do I Like Apples…so much?

If Apples = Men

I like Apples because:

I seek nourishment; because I am wired to; They help me know myself…They are delicious, food, natures medicine, full of nutrients, sunlight and vital forces…

Because I am Eve.
It is my lot to love an Apple!
Because from the Dawn of Time
I have known Apples to be
the source of my existence
and this is my sin!
My confusion, my knowing
that blocks out the One Central Thing
that makes me cover myself in shame;
The thing is
that I forgot that
The Apple is NOT GOD;
but the fruit of knowing God in man!
But I must learn this lesson well;
for many years, have I been deluded
By God; that Father,
God, that Son,
and I… The Ghost!
the mere ghost…
I set myself to wandering
alone in the desert,
no mortal man to hold me;
Inviolable, untouchable in my torment.

I sought for the apple tree within
and found only you, you and
you, again…
But you are NOT GOD
So how can I be SO mistaken?

So I know GOD through Apples
but do I know, can I know GOD
directly, by my own lights?
Can I come, finally, naked
open handed, surrendered
and say
God, I looked for you everywhere
But I found only Apples!
They are sweet but they are not you,
and I am mere Mortal;
Wounded and seeking
comfort.

This Apple would only feed me
for so long, but I seek
life eternal, life beyond life
I seek your Source now;
only you.
I no longer seek Apples.
They are what they are;
They appear, are eaten
or being eaten by other insects
and I feel abundant.
But there is only one
after all…
The Apple Tree itself belongs to You!

March 28th 2017

I wrote this after a long and painful night letting go my attachment to a friend. I love him dearly but it is not time for us to go beyond the simplicity of friendship. I accept this, though it hurts me greatly. I’m sure the pain is cleansing. Ouch. Healing HURTS!!!

Earlier in the day whilst we were hanging out he looked for a bag of apples and couldn’t find them. Later he told me he had found them after all. I said I wanted his apple! Ha! Anyway, we played with the metaphor of apples representing men… and he asked my why I loved apples so much?

I had to pause and really think about this one, (hence the title) and the depth I found was actually quite religious in it’s tone. Quite. I thought, yes! This love with attachment is what hurts. It would do me well to reconnect with my source energy and stop mooning over him like he would be all the answers to my emptiness. Maybe he would be for a while, but then, when I’ve eaten his flesh and sucked him dry… then what…?

Back to the apple tree…

Stupid

When we are judged as stupid
It is because we are feared,
hated or reviled and thereby
found to be threatening.

Perhaps for our ebullience (yes, and)
I think probably for our
ability to be happy and carefree (too).
Most definitely for out
child-like demeanour
our innocent joy
our creative boldness.

What seems like such a beautiful thing
can be tarnished by the very one’s
who purport to love us.

So don’t fear the label
Embrace it, as any judgement
As a rite of passage;
We know, we have touched someone
deeper than they themselves can go
for that reason
Have compassion
for the haters
The mud slinger’s
and the name callers
The labellers and
The righteous Judges
for they are far
from home.

P. Thomasson
30th March 2016

This poem was sparked by the question “But I feel so good; so why do I think I’m stupid?”
Upon analysis, feeling good always brings with it, this judgement of being stupid. But who gave it me? That was the deeper more intriguing question.

I still feel stupid, but I won’t take it so personally.

 

Storm The Embankments of Your Mind

And suddenly
I feel whole
again

Loved and not alone

In step and in tune
with the universe around me

Not like before
when nothing made sense

When all I could see
was suffering
and lies

No
Not like that

It’s warmer
somehow
precious
to be human
once again

(I think that may be because
I now know how to wrap myself
in a blanket
of my own design.)

P.T.
Feb 7th 2016
Dorchester, Dorset, UK

Is Success Hunting You?

When things do start to work out for us, how do we feel about that?

When the omens of looming success start to appear, what do we do?

Do we run into familiar ruts, like battle worn soldiers retreating into muddy trenches, shooting our own feet as we stumble into worn out habits and behaviours?

Or do we spill over the edges of the embankments we have made and storm the enemy with the confidence of the sun?

And just who is this enemy?

Well, all I can say is that when I run onto the battle ground, my opponent holding the gun, looks a lot like me.

Here’s to confronting our fears, and loving ourselves.

Here’s to EVOLUTION!

P T A R T . W O R K S

a red headed woman holds a seedling sprout and contemplates destiny

what an artist does for you…

what is all the fuss about? why are artists worth so much in some circles of life and worth so little in others?

the answer is quite clear. and it’s not remotely to do with some magical mysterious talent…though it helps.

it’s about love.

really?

yeah. and this applies to us all. artists happen to be some of the first in line to feel the edge of evolution. we go out on a limb so to speak, and bring back the psychic bacon…the soul food for nourishment of all.

we are arbiters of change and flying shamans. we are cosy in our bubbles where we see the cosmic dance played out before our inner retinas.

we put our visions down, fresh from the universal soup into some kind of reason upon canvas with all manner of colours and textures.

and those of us who know how to allow ourselves to love this weird thing that we do, know how to thrive. we are juicy and full of life because we’ve invested in our spiritual connection.

an artists job is merely to remind you who you are.

you are all the paintings and beautiful sunsets throughout time.

you are the dew drop on petal and the cold glint on metal.

you are light and being beyond this physical appearance, mere density of vibration.

a painting then, is like a map. if it resonates with you then it is yours to cherish.

talk to the artist. she wants to serve you. she wants to enliven your world with the visions she incubates.

without you, her audience, there is no reason.

a hopeful looking woman leans into an invisible wind that blows her very being away as she disintegrates in waves of rippling vibrations though she looks brightly into the future model is uk artist phoebe thomasson photo art by adam white photography copyright 2015 awp and pt
photo art: adam white
model: phoebe thomasson

sat nam. (truth is my name.)

acrylic painting of blue swirls of energy or frozen life forms by uk artist phoebe thomasson

The Regenerative Power of The Creative Self

Sometimes we need a concept about what we are doing to help us through when the going gets tough. Here are my thoughts on how our creative life is in fact very resilient. We need to learn trust, patience and to understand the nature of the thing.

ESSAY: The Bryophyte and The Muse

 

a hopeful looking woman leans into an invisible wind that blows her very being away as she disintegrates in waves of rippling vibrations though she looks brightly into the future model is uk artist phoebe thomasson photo art by adam white photography copyright 2015 awp and pt

How Art is Going to Save the World

Higher functioning human beings that don’t destroy themselves are usually very creative. In fact, the more creative, the better you’re appreciation for life will inevitably be. The creative see, look, problem solve, innovate, risk take (but not with others’ lives hopefully) and are generally quite brave people. The processes all involve developing the relationship with life that engenders respect. Those who respect don’t harm. So who better suited for leaders, protectors and the guardians of life than those who are appreciating it in all its diverse splendour?

Let the most creative people solve the biggest problems on earth and in no time at all we will make world peace.

There is a book out at the moment and I’ve just downloaded it because I’m impatient like that. It’s called Infinite Progress: How the Internet and Technology will End Ignorance, Disease, Poverty, Hunger and War by Byron Reese. It was by serendipity that I came across his mention in a local magazine.

Here is his website if you want to know more. http://byronreese.com/

Let me know what you think if you read his book. The title alone gives me hope. I’m off to start now but let me leave you with a brief thought.

If we can believe in ourselves enough as people, the net result will be a web of belief that spans around the world. If we can believe that we can and should sort this all out, then perhaps we will see that despite the strength of cosmic and earthly winds, we, masters of survival, innovation and evolution are very talented at making stuff happen with intention.

Like it or not, we’re in it for the long haul, so we may as well put a smile on our face and fly into the wind like it’s no big thing. We’re all naturals.

Phoebe

acrylic painting by phoebe thomasson abstract blue brown winter colours

To Do List: Cultivation

Today I need to….

Cultivate Strength, one hour at a time.
Cultivate Bravery, to meet my own weaknesses.
Cultivate Determination to overcome my limitations.
Cultivate Fitness I wish, that I may lift you up.
Cultivate Perspective that this is my journey; destination unknown.
No-one else is on it with me unless I share it.

I hit a bit of a crisis today. Things went pear shaped for a minute, but I remembered that I could choose how things went by my response. I remembered that I have a choice, always. I can respond negatively or creatively.
I chose to allow myself my full gamut of feeling, as insane as it was for a minute, then throttle back and consider what was being said to me. Consider how I could change my perspective and see things in a more hopeful way.
I ended up giving myself the pep talk I was looking for externally. The thing is that it’s never as good from someone else. Our own reassurance or ‘inner sense’ is definitely tailor made for us if we can muster the space to talk intelligently to ourselves.
I also realized that I don’t need to tolerate my acting the fool, inside and out if it’s not productive. I can tell that stupid voice to shut up if I think it is being unreasonable. In short, I can control my own mind, then no-one else need do it for me.

….Cultivate trust in myself.

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Dreaming of Destruction….again!

Just before my last waking this morning, I had a series of dreams. They were very strong in their imaginary.

See what you make of them and I’ll tell you what they mean to me at the end.

Dream#1: Nothing Left to Eat…

We are a small tribe/community living in a glade type valley and we are foraging for food and living our lives.

There are mini dramas going on, just as in any culture but something ominous was looming. It becomes clear that we were running out of food and that before long we would have to find more or we were all going to starve to death.

A group of us took off to search whilst the elders stayed behind and took their chances, unafraid for their survival unlike ourselves. We were hungry!

We came up a leafy hill and everything stopped. The massive strip of ground before us was as bare as could be.

Tilled soil was all that stood there as far as the eye could see up to the brow of the massive hill. My guts went weird as a ferocious sound hit us. Although we knew we should run now, we were transfixed.

Dogs came running over the hill towards us. They didn’t look like the type of dog to be fierce, they were golden retrievers! However their appearance did nothing to allay the reality that they were protecting their site and we were clearly trespassing!

That’s the end as far as I can remember.

Dream#2: Trouble in The Air…

We were driving to my friend’s house up the Weymouth Avenue and just at the top by the traffic lights we spied a sight that we had never seen for real in this area. A twister!

We debated  for a minute how serious it was. It was soon clear that it was very serious indeed and headed right for us.

My first instinct to carry on in the direction I was going, which may have actually taken us beyond the path of the wind tunnels, was immediately over-ridden by a strange mix of ‘I have to get home!’ and deep panic.

Home meant doing a U-turn in the road and I was aware of traffic all around…and home was where it was headed. Where should we turn, and how fast could we run without contributing to the general panic?

Time for the general synopsis…

Dreams are multidimensional and usually contain at least two levels of understanding, one cultural (global) and two, personal.

On a personal level both dreams seem to say to me that I’ve hit my nemesis.

In some sense I am up against the ‘survivalist’ dream. The ability to sustain myself is somehow under threat, either for real or metaphorically.

This could have always been the case, and something I am now discovering (new territory) or something that is coming upon me as new realizations dawn (threatening circumstances). On both counts the message is quite clear.

ACT! Now is not the time for contemplation…for me this is clearly a call to clear and concise decision-making.

Trust your first instinct! If that is to run, just choose the right direction. If that is to stand your ground (more appropriate with dogs than tornadoes!) then do that!

The worst thing I can do now is vacillate in self-doubt! Making the wrong decision is the fear but making no decision is fatal!

Global Interpretation…

(Remember this is my own!) OK. So we are at some ‘event horizon’ and all we see before us is barren land and…the dogs of war? We know not what is beyond the horizon and all we can sense is despair at our uncertain future.

Let me give you the alternative ending…

(Penned in my waking hours!)

A New Perspective

Immediately we all sink to our knees, drop our gaze to the ground and stretch out our arms. The dogs pick up on our non-resistance and almost simultaneously they become our friendly welcoming committee. They run up to us licking our face and wagging their tales.

They communicate that they’ve been waiting for us and protecting the land. They lead us over the bow of the hill where we behold a Golden City before us. We know instantaneously that before us lie the treasure of abundance.

The Golden City is replete with good food, shelter and companionship. We make plans to go and fetch the rest of the tribe to bring them to the city. The city exceeds all our expectations. It’s golden hue is a sign of its enlightened vibration.

Mankind has finally learned to live in harmony with nature. The barren field is merely ready for us to plant the seeds if our choice, and we are welcome into the city as long-lost sisters and brothers. We are home.

Now that’s much better!

a face is obscured by black shards mixed media collage by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

The Silent Killer; Get Down You Inner Censor….

The inner censor is the killer on the loose in our psyches.

How do we know it’s there?… Well we don’t to start with, but if you have tried to be consistently creative and failed to keep up stamina then it might be that, like me you suffer from a strict inner censor.

The censor is very much alive in the outer world at the moment. I won’t go into it because either you know what I’m talking about because you listen to the news and it’s not my focus here.

The inner censor is the real enemy and the outer manifestation is the proof that the energy is alive and kicking in our culture.

Why does the censor do what it does? Why does it kill the creative impulse?

Because it hates imperfection. Because it loathes chaos. Because it detests the uncontrollable.

Any time we have an idea that we just can’t do something about may be a symptom that the censor is in control. The gateway is very narrow if the censor is in command as it is a mean gatekeeper that only allows the acceptable through. It has a long list of what is acceptable, but an even longer one of that which isn’t.

In the creative life we need to channel the crap as well as the good stuff. This is for the creative zone where putting our thoughts on paper is a safety net for our fears. What we do with it afterwards is another matter but unless we can get it through the gates in the first place is a matter of re-education.

We need to gently take the censor to one side and give it a bribe.

If you let more through the gates, I promise, the quality and standard of my work will improve and increase in ways you never thought possible. Do me a favour mate and look the other way when I have a crappy idea. I can’t get to the good stuff hiding underneath unless you let this through.

The censor will probably consider this a feasible option. Just make sure you make it work for its living and don’t let it rule the roost.

You’re in charge!

image of a mans face with slightly deranged eyes title fragile brain pen and ink sketch with words by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

It may be Hellish, but at least I’m here!

Recovery isn’t all about getting better. It’s also about adjusting, changing, accepting and releasing. We can need multiple processes to happen before we start to feel better in the way we desire to.

Just to give you an idea how this applies in the real world here is an insight into my current little drama.

Somehow, due to numerous factors I’ve manage to put my back out good and proper. I’ve been to the chiropractor and there is a loosening in process. I think in terms of blocked energy because after years of practical healing and recovery from multiple things, I now know it counts, and is real. Think life force/prana/chi or whatever vibes with you.

OK. So I identified my little psychological process that has been activated into my awareness. Here it is and goes something like this.

  • long term illness means you are cut off from previous modes of functioning.
  • we adjust our world accordingly and create our own alternatives.
  • life becomes a reflection of our ‘own little world’.
  • we recover! yay!
  • we come up against the need to ‘re-enter’ the rest of the world or the ‘real’ version of it.
  • we resist because we quite like it here.
  • we know this world and have lost the ability to be anything else so why not just stay?
  • we create something else to distract us from the growth process.
  • more pain!
  • yay! pain works a treat…it’s a different part of the body which is quite a change, I think I can continue to be dysfunctional after all!
  • Wait a minute! did I just say that?
  • Goddam it…I’m going to beat this things too!
  • And so we strive….

Onward we go and heal the next malady. But did we stop to consider why we create all this hassle? Here’s one perspective, for when you are into having a philosophical musing…

I believe illness teaches us more about compassion, resilience, tenacity, honesty, strength, weakness, reaching out, friends, loved ones, family, challenges, love, life and humanity than being a super-I-never-get-sick kind of guy ever will.

My dad was one of those and within a year he was dead with Cancer.

I’m ok with my bad back thanks…at least I’m alive.