I felt in you, inside me perhaps now I look again
A black hole.
It matters little where it was located, it was there.
There is something you should know about this place but I hardly know where to begin.
There is something in there that I feel compelled to see
To touch, to taste, to experience.
I think it is the unknowable.
The place into which we must leap, trustingly
With our life in our hands,
abandoned to the fate that awaits us.
As I said.
And I said to you that I wanted this and that.
But did I really know what I was wanting?
Beyond the surface patina of how things look, how things appear to our mind?
Did I really look beyond that?
For once, I did not.
I did not enter that black hole
For I was sore afraid.
And so should we all be.
But never be afraid of that fear.
For without that instinct, we are done for.
Without that fear, our integrity does not last.
Without that primal relevance, we are ourselves, irrelevant.
How can we become relevant to the world, and to ourselves, without the burgeoning sense of self-importance?
By letting go;
Every moment, a small surrender.
Every moment, a peaceful intention and determination.
Every moment, finding love, where once there was emptiness.
And of emptiness?
Who can say?
Therein lies the essence of the ‘black hole’.
I told you.
It’s deep alright!
It’s all up for grabs.
I seek nourishment; because I am wired to; They help me know myself…They are delicious, food, natures medicine, full of nutrients, sunlight and vital forces…
Because I am Eve.
It is my lot to love an Apple!
Because from the Dawn of Time
I have known Apples to be
the source of my existence
and this is my sin!
My confusion, my knowing
that blocks out the One Central Thing
that makes me cover myself in shame;
The thing is
that I forgot that The Apple is NOT GOD; but the fruit of knowing God in man!
But I must learn this lesson well;
for many years, have I been deluded
By God; that Father,
God, that Son,
and I… The Ghost!
the mere ghost…
I set myself to wandering
alone in the desert,
no mortal man to hold me;
Inviolable, untouchable in my torment.
I sought for the apple tree within
and found only you, you and
But you are NOT GOD
So how can I be SO mistaken?
So I know GOD through Apples
but do I know, can I know GOD
directly, by my own lights?
Can I come, finally, naked
open handed, surrendered
God, I looked for you everywhere
But I found only Apples!
They are sweet but they are not you,
and I am mere Mortal;
Wounded and seeking
This Apple would only feed me
for so long, but I seek
life eternal, life beyond life
I seek your Source now;
I no longer seek Apples.
They are what they are;
They appear, are eaten
or being eaten by other insects
and I feel abundant.
But there is only one
The Apple Tree itself belongs to You!
March 28th 2017
I wrote this after a long and painful night letting go my attachment to a friend. I love him dearly but it is not time for us to go beyond the simplicity of friendship. I accept this, though it hurts me greatly. I’m sure the pain is cleansing. Ouch. Healing HURTS!!!
Earlier in the day whilst we were hanging out he looked for a bag of apples and couldn’t find them. Later he told me he had found them after all. I said I wanted his apple! Ha! Anyway, we played with the metaphor of apples representing men… and he asked my why I loved apples so much?
I had to pause and really think about this one, (hence the title) and the depth I found was actually quite religious in it’s tone. Quite. I thought, yes! This love with attachment is what hurts. It would do me well to reconnect with my source energy and stop mooning over him like he would be all the answers to my emptiness. Maybe he would be for a while, but then, when I’ve eaten his flesh and sucked him dry… then what…?
I feel like I shouldn’t be this comfortable or confident;
I feel like my life is a wreck and I am doing everything wrong!
‘You are’ said the voice.
What do I do with That!? I ask myself (not wanting to fight).
You cannot fight it.
Right or wrong, I guess I want a phantom;
I want something I do not know.
I see things based on evidence and intuition.
So you could say that yes, I am day dreaming my future into being,
Where as others, are dreaming themselves into oblivion.
You ARE the gate keeper;
You can see things how ever you like,
But you only see the dreams of those who pass through your door.
It is time to dream your own dream.
If our ways are supposed to part, then it will be from your strong desire;
I have no desire to leave or destroy.
I seek only to build, repair and develop.
I seek only to know the future I have never experienced,
Not to repeat the pasts that I have.
I seek to make amends, to adapt and evolve.
I seek to expand upon what I have and keep for myself a stable base from which to spread my wings.
If you wish to be part of my world then visualize yourself there.
Do not leave your dreams in the grip of negative presuppositions.
You neither know the way, or can predict its results unless you dream the way yourself.
It is time to invest in your own dreams and stop merely holding the doors for others without passing through.
Don’t let life pass you by by grasping at it.
You must enter it.
You must leave all past behind and let it serve merely as a guide, not a beacon.
Your beacon should be your own dream
Not that of others.
Feb 15th 2016
Sometimes, things only strike you as obvious when you have been through a crisis and all your doors of perception are open.
How many times have we encountered ourselves and others as merely the gatekeepers to the dreams of others.
When are we going to finally own up to the individuality that sets us apart from everyone else on the planet and be courageous enough to embrace it fully.
I think I ask myself this every day.
I get stuck on the how’s but hey, I’m doing it, even though I haven’t a clue how.
Art is my meditation
It anneals my soul
Enlivens my spirit
And informs my intellect
As to where I am
In my process
For that, really
Is all that matters;
The cessation of suffering
And the opening
Of the doors to Nirvana.
What you see here
Is the result of that process;
That striving towards
That release of pressure
And the relief of understanding.
Part of the growth process must involve self-analysis. The above prose poetry is what emerged when I analysed my relationship to my art and my creative process.
What it means to me is what drives me, and this is an important understanding for anyone looking to employ the techniques of disruption to their life, business, project or self development.
For more on Disruption and innovation see Whitney Johnson’s book “Disrupt Yourself“. I highly recommend it if you are looking for positive change in any area of your life.
Making art is only one of the many tools used by a meta-morph in the process of self-transformation.
Anything is up for grabs. Dancing, writing, walking, gym, cooking, making love….whatever!
It’s the attitude we adopt when using our tool that matters.
Many of us approach our self development practices in the same way we might hammer a nail in a wall when we’re in a hurry; quickly, mindlessly and inefficiently. We then wonder why we hit our fingers, the nail bends in the wall and the plaster falls out. Been there? I have. Lots.
Here are some questions we should be asking ourselves…
Have we really prepared by choosing the right nail for the wall in question? (are you really fit enough for that particular form of exercise? do you really like writing about that subject? are you wearing the right shoes for the walk?)
Have we taken enough time to pay attention to our hammering technique? (are you feeling the nuances of the sexual plateaus or just going in for the big ‘O’?, are you overdoing the prawns? is that the right level of tension in your shoulders for a shimmy?)
If the answer is no, then we will not get the desired result! Period. Unless we are lucky. But we are not always lucky are we!
We must keep refining, keep adapting and keep asking relevant questions. This is what leads us into our own metamorphosis. This is what causes us to Shape-shift into something we want to be.
So paying attention, being aware and practicing mindfulness are the attitudes that act as the antidotes to bruised fingers and rubbery prawns. Right?
Mindful creation, mindful exercise, mindful speech, mindful thought will get us where we want to be in life. No short cuts. Just paying attention to everything we do.
Working anything mindfully then will take us where we want to go.
Mindful of what? That’s the question isn’t it!? I can answer that…
FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, ACTIONS!
Answer now. What are you feeling? What are you thinking? What are you doing?
Keep on checking in until you have a seamless stream of attention directed to your present moment. Sounds simple. It’s not. It takes practice. You can start, right now.
But be mindful of the fact…you will forget to be mindful until you make it a habit.
And that my friends is what practice is all about.
Let the feelings you are feeling right now, tell you what is next, and how to proceed.
I’ve been having some concerns about my health recently. I ache all over, I get sad and I can’t stop thinking about work and how to do everything better.
I feel so different; I don’t feel like I fit in with the world. I have dreams and strange thoughts. Can you help me? I am afraid.
With regards to your concerns I am going to tell you categorically, not to worry. All your symptoms are part of your healing from the past and overcoming limitation.
Your body aches because you are using it like never before. You are so inspired that you are working longer hours because you are doing work that you enjoy for the first time in your life. So I would say that the sad feelings come as a result of tiredness and grieving for all the years of unhappiness.
This is cause for celebration indeed and I shouldn’t worry about the work thing…it means simply that you are on the road to mastery of your life and your life’s work is to put everything together in a way that totally suits you. No one else can do what you do, so of course you are aware that what you do is important because it is coming from the heart.
As for feeling different, good. That means you’ve expanded beyond your limitations and your ego is looking for things to cling to. You are so far ahead of where you’ve ever been before that you no longer feel solid ground beneath your feet.
By Jove I think you are flying.
Well done. See you in another six months.
You are in excellent health.
It appears an unfortunate fact that the more I fly free in my ways, and embrace my powers of intellect and conversation, that the effect produced within you is one of insecurity and an appearance of being squashed. Hence the ability to relax and enjoy company whilst feeling thus threatened is marred and overshadowed by ones habitual response in blaming the other for being not desirable In ones behaviour. In you I perceive a disapproval that is brought forth by your struggles to stay connected to a flowing river of words that spew forth from my mouth, which has upon me the effect to feel further in the wrong way of things and defensive of my position as free woman enjoying my respect given freely by friends, but not by you, although you would argue otherwise because though the effects of my [not at you] focus are to feel like a [dis-empowerment], you are at once stuck in your own conundrum whether and how to extract yourself from said feeling of diminished comfort and confidence into a blame that would be inappropriate given the very nature of blame which is to shut down the other with a label of wrongness attached. I know you do not seek to fetter me but there must be some compensation for you in a night’s accommodation of friends whom you must also enjoy the company of so it comes to that which I can only say that I shamelessly dominated the said conversation [the night] and you being of more altruistic nature let me take centre stage with little regard for your own well-being. In this I can only fault you for your lack of confidence against my domination and say that without your countering me I will most willingly hold court without recourse to your opinion in any matter should you choose to allow me without interruption or battle for place. Or feel confident in my love for you which you plainly do not, in the absence of affection which you cannot.
Or I could just shut the fuck up and listen to YOU!
I’m getting really good at wading through emotional, mental and cognitive shit. Somehow I am surviving and coming out the other side better than before I went in. It feels amazing!
Wading through shit…that’s called being human; it’s what we do…
The wading process appears to be feeding me. In a way it’s part of who I am and how I function; to get into a mess, and have to figure a way through.
The shit wading process brings out all sorts of character traits; the lover of challenges and the inventor of approaches, the researcher of ideas and the consoler of lost dreams. It’s all there.
I love it!!!….even though I hate being in it.
I must do because I keep attracting it!
Probably something like you.
The important question to ask ourselves is whether we are sinking, floating, or wading, and why?
I’ve learnt a lot recently from friends and family, books and other things…
I’ve learnt that I often get so caught up in my own head that I forget to listen and that really pisses people off.
I’ve learnt that selfishness isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be and in fact is grossly misunderstood as a term.
I’ve learnt that putting others first can be detrimental to your health when you are ‘sacrificing’ your own needs. I don’t like martyrs and neither should you.
I’ve learnt that it’s OK to be a pain in the ass…sometimes; as long as there is a good reason, and you are aware of it. Otherwise you are just being an ass-hole and acting from your emotional baggage.
Sometimes we’ve just got to focus on ourselves for a while, or for ever. Sometimes we have to be selfish, or ‘concerned with our own interests‘ in order to function right. If we don’t function within the bounds of our own nature, then we are unhappy humans trying to be a shape we are not.
I am now debunking all sorts of old programming that would have me trying to fit into a square hole, when obviously I’m round.
They don’t make round squares, or square circles….
So I was never really a square after all; just a repressed and terrified round thing with no inner sense of direction. That’s modern life for you.
Fuck you! modern life for making me scared….deep down, you know what I’m talking about….right?
These are lonely times, and it’s acceptable to use whatever we can at our disposal, within reason, to help us through.
Loneliness is a killer and it’s imperative to master the art of vulnerability and reach out through the walls of our partitioned lives and into one another’s hearts and minds. Trust me, it’s not as bad as you think!
Reaching out always makes me feel better immediately, even if no-one replies, it’s that act of courage that makes all the difference. If there is a loving and friendly reply, then so much the better, but it’s the reaching out that counts.
But we want to feel heard too.
I am done with guilt and shame for needing certain things, and for my weaknesses.
I am now striving to find, and live in, my zone of genius (see Gay Hendricks for more on that).
I am working on finding my S.E.L.F. (Super, Elegant, Loving, Force)
To intimately know the S.E.L.F. and to accept it…perchance to…well, love it, is hard work!!
To live as the Super Elegant Loving Force that we truly are, requires some kind of surrender, the choice to do so, and the dropping of much baggage, just because we can. It’s an art, for sure.
Some of it can only be done in thought, carefully picking our way through our faulty assumptions about life.